Struggling to adjust to a new home

Since when is it a daunting task to leave my room or make a sandwich? What is going on?

New church in my new town. Moving can be exciting, but also a little scary.

Basic life update/recap: I graduated in June, went home, survived a full-time internship (all by the grace of God) and now I’m back in the bay for my master’s degree (who sent me?!). I’m no longer on campus, but an 18-ish minute bike ride away and living in a legit house - not a dorm with a dining hall and RAs and more people than you can befriend in a year, but a house.


Turns out, introversion affects all areas of life. Actually, it’s more than that. I have this toxic combination of perfectionism and introversion that make me afraid of confrontation, making mistakes or asking questions.

So here are some things that happened in the last few days that have me reevaluating my approach to life.

First of all, I don't leave my room sometimes because I’m scared of running into someone else by surprise. Like the thought of opening my door and finding someone in the kitchen when I thought it was empty scares the hell out of me. 

It’s like I have this strong desire to control every aspect of the environment I’m in. And if I can’t, I avoid. So the latest game has been me trying to optimally time my room-exits and kitchen-entrances (which are really just the same since my room is right off the kitchen) either: a) when I think no one else is around b) when I think no one is going to enter and find me there and c) not too soon after someone has left so they won’t think I was trying to avoid them by waiting until they left. But these criteria leave me with no time that’s a good time because, duh, I can’t predict anyone’s moves. 

Aside from the need for control I'm afraid of being watched. The thought of someone being in the kitchen while I do anything, even something simple like microwaving bread, is daunting. Maybe it's just a today thing. But it's definitely a me-thing and not good for my health because I resort to the most basic meals. This morning, for breakfast, I just grabbed my family-sized pack of popcorn and 2 tangerines and returned to my room. Only later in the afternoon, when I knew the coast was clear, did I venture out to make a sandwich.

The way the last few months have gone, I often wonder if I have social anxiety. But I looked it up, and I don’t think I do. Most websites describe social anxiety as having an intense fear of anxiety-inducing situations, so much so that it disrupts your life to a large extent and you go to great lengths to avoid such situations. On one hand, I don't think I've reached that point. I mean, while popcorn and tangerines aren't an ideal breakfast, at least I’m not starving myself. On the other hand, I wonder what's the threshold for something to be considered as disrupting your normal functioning? Is there a universal threshold or does it differ by person? Because I keep convincing myself I'm okay, and that others have it much worse, but in reality I do feel like I'm being affected to a not-normal extent.

Turns out, some common social anxiety triggers include meeting new people, being watched while doing something or making small talk. Turns out, moving into a new dwelling-place is a combination of ALL of these things so I’d better get used to it fast. But it’s hard and it often results in my feeling paralyzed, too scared to make a move or ask a question because the optimal window of opportunity hasn’t presented itself. So I’m stuck in this world of limbo trying to find the “right time” to do anything: leave my room or ask about laundry or whatever the case may be.

But I think this whole struggle is less anxiety-related and more introvert-related. I shared some of this with a friend who spoke of the cognitive dissonance of being an introvert in a new living situation. You know you need the time alone to recharge (and being at home in the safety/comfort of your room is the ultimate recharge station) but feel like you should be interacting.

It's not that I'm anxious about talking to new people, it's that I don't have the social energy it takes to do so right now, and it's making me want to hide. I'm trying to diagnose what's wrong with me when I'm really just going through the motions of introversion, as I have for my entire life.

So why all the questions and overthinking now then? What is going on?

I think I’ve been thrown into more new situations recently that I can handle. It was like this at my internship almost all summer. I was scared to make the slightest move - going to the lunchroom, asking my supervisor a question, or even leaving the building at the end of a work day! (I’m so upset I didn’t blog about this earlier because I have so much to say. It would have been “Struggles of being the new intern” and I could list at least 10 things off the bat that were difficult and took me almost all 9 weeks to adjust to). 

Anyway, back to housing. Luckily I’ve found some time and the courage to get out of the house - believe it or not. Like on Sunday, I went to church. I needed to impose structure on my life and having a legit reason to leave the house gave me that structure (which is why I can't wait for classes to start). So yes, I left the house on Sunday and also ventured to the shopping center.

SamTrans bus...a new comfort space. Source: flickr.com

I like being out and about on my own actually. When you’re on the go, there’s no time for anyone to stop and stare. There's a comfort in moving through the world anonymously encountering people, knowing that you'll probably never cross paths with them again. It relieves a lot of the pressures of being perfect.

Everything was going fine until I finished the self-checkout at Target, and realized that I’d left the toothbrush holder behind in the trolley - unpaid for. So I had a couple options: a) Do what a normal person would do and take it back to a cashier to pay for it or b) Leave it there and do without it until my next shopping run because it would be too awkward to go back into the store, with all my bags, and pay for it.

What if someone thought I was trying to steal? Does anyone else feel weird walking through stores with shopping bags from previous shopping? Like you know you paid for it, but you feel like everyone’s watching you.

Back to the toothbrush holder. I stared at it for a second, then left it. Too awkward. Too bad.

Adulting? We got this.

But aside from the challenges and ongoing struggle of adjusting, there are some small victories. Like the first time I put the dishwasher to run, without asking anyone how to do it just to make sure even though I’d run the dishwasher at home a million times. And the first time I did my laundry -  big win! I put my clothes to wash and dry and nothing went wrong! There was also the fact that I moved my extra stuff into the storage shed on my own. Everything had been sitting outside my room for a day because I hadn’t yet mustered the courage to ask for help clearing some space.

Turns out, it wasn’t that hard clearing the space; I was just scared I would have to move people’s stuff or I might break some unspoken rule about the space that I wouldn’t know until I broke it. But it turned out fine and there was something empowering about neatly fitting my belongings in the shed like I knew what I was doing. 

On second thought, a lot of these wins only felt like wins because I did them without asking for help, which contradicts everything I believe about vulnerability and compassion. I think asking for help is important and I think people are more willing to help than we often give them credit for. So I have some mental unpacking to do there. But in the meantime, I will still celebrate the small victories of moving in.

Actually, here’s a victory in which I did ask for help, and the world didn’t end, shocker! There were ants in my room, so I asked my housemate for bug spray, sprayed the ants, and the ants went away. Voila, problem solved. Easy-peasy lemon-squeezy. Why do I feel like I deserve a trophy for that?

Anyway, I saw this post about adulting that pretty much sums everything up.