Anxiety Brain and Me

I’m finally putting into words what anxiety feels like for me.

Sometime in my 20s, I dug up my anxiety and have been trying to bury it ever since. Unsuccessfully so, I might add.

what you don't see is that hours before this photo
was taken, I was an anxious lil cookie.
(PC: John Cassidy)

It has become a project of sorts, something I will stop at nothing to fix. I started therapy. Still anxious. Started praying more. Still anxious. Started back running. And reading. And resting. Still anxious. Tried setting boundaries and saying no. Still anxious. Learned to listen to myself and ask for breaks. I meditated and partied, then realized partying wasn’t the answer, then spent more time laying in the sun listening to music and napping and enjoying nature and, guess what, still anxious. Moved back home (big win!) and I STILL GET ANXIOUS.

The uncharted territory of my 20s

Hint it’s uncomfortable and involves a lot of unlearning the ways of functioning that I’d built up throughout my life. Been broken down now I’m building back up! 

me, attempting to fly a drone

Where do I begin? Maybe with how introspectively uncomfortable I am these days. I’m no longer satisfied with my own status quo of functioning because I’m seeing a better way, but the better way is far off in the horizon. And I’m starting to make a dent towards the better way but it’s hard. It’s like wading full-body through a sticky mess and you keep going forward because you know you get to the other side eventually.

Coping and mourning in unprecedented times

Here’s to mourning the things we lost, realizing it’s okay to slump, and knowing we don’t have to go it alone. Plus, yay therapy!

work in the age of corona

Not gonna lie and pretend that I’m thriving during this time because I’m not. It’s difficult. I saw a social media post that read “Damn…I picked a bad year to get my life together” and I felt that. Because I started therapy at the end of last year and was finally learning to address my anxieties. I was finally learning how to push through discomfort and stay present and in tune to my body even when my mind sends me into a tailspin. I was learning how to be kind to myself and parent myself and BAM. Covid-19 comes and sends me spinning. So yeah, I'm upset.

Struggling to adjust to a new home

Since when is it a daunting task to leave my room or make a sandwich? What is going on?

New church in my new town. Moving can be exciting, but also a little scary.

Basic life update/recap: I graduated in June, went home, survived a full-time internship (all by the grace of God) and now I’m back in the bay for my master’s degree (who sent me?!). I’m no longer on campus, but an 18-ish minute bike ride away and living in a legit house - not a dorm with a dining hall and RAs and more people than you can befriend in a year, but a house.

Improv Wisdom

Thoughts on how improv is changing my life.

October 2017. There was a thing that i wanted to write about but didn’t get the chance.

Freakin’ improv wisdom! (which is also the name of the book by Patricia Ryan Madison) I would highly recommend taking an improv class if you can. It’s not just for actors, or theatre-people or whatever, but it’s a class that any and everyone can benefit from. It’s really helped me open my eyes and see and realize how much of the world I’m missing because I’m so wrapped up in my own head.

What does it mean to challenge yourself?

This quarter got me thinking a lot about this. After all, that’s the point of university, right? Learning. Growth. Pushing past your limits. Challenging yourself. But how do we know that we’re challenging ourselves, and not just pushing past our breaking point? Of course, there’s no simple “answer”, but I’ve tried to wrap my head around this concept of what it means to truly challenge yourself.

Life: A Series of Approximations

Side-note: this blog post has been in my head for the last 2 months so it’s really a wonder it got out at all. Leggo.

The more I live the more I realize that a great majority of life, especially when it comes to immeasurable or non-concrete things, is approximated. Like the following.

21 Reflections

Cheers to 21 Years of Life!

Yes, today is the big day, it's my 21st birthday! I am celebrating my 21 years in a couple ways: 1) Treating myself to some pampering & self-care 2) Reflecting 3) A possible night out with friends 4) Having a fresh start!

Stuck in a Perfect Rut

Trying to be perfect doesn't work
It’s application season - everyone around me is applying to various summer positions etc and while I am, too, I more often find myself not applying to things than actually submitting applications...

True? I think not. The failure is in not even trying. As I've come to realize.

Growing Pains

What is it about growing up makes me feel like I'm losing my sense of self?

I feel this strange combination of sadness and happiness both at once, and I don’t quite know how to explain it. It is bittersweet. It is the happiness of gratitude alongside the sadness of a nagging nostalgia. It is a longing for my childhood and for more carefree times, or at least what I remember as being carefree times.
  Youth really is wasted on the young.

Mini-me in an era of carefree
times & unappreciated freedom

The Great Unsettling of Sophomore Year

    My second year at Stanford is in full swing, and I’m feeling more unsettled than ever. In fact, I’m outright struggling to feel at peace here.

It comes as a shock to me more than anything, because I thought that surely, after weathering the ups and downs of freshman year, I’d be well-adjusted and ready to tackle sophomore year like a boss, without a hitch. I’d hit the ground running and stay running for the entire year because I had so much energy and excitement building up in me after three months of rejuvenation and spirit-restoration back in sweet T&T.

Wrong.

So, so wrong.

Nothing is as picture-perfect as it seems

The Dangers of Being Dutiful - The School of Life

After wondering about whether I should become a doctor, I found this video which made answering that question so much easier. If you're caught deciding between possible career options, remember that while serving out of a sense of duty is noble, it may not always be in your best interest or the best interest of society.

Should I become a doctor?

This is the million-dollar question I've been trying to answer.

This requires so much venting. Because my thoughts, aspirations and plans are back into overdrive. Not quite back to square one, but now I am contemplating.

Contemplating whether or not I actually want to (or should!) be a doctor.

Your Elusive Creative Genius - Elizabeth Gilbert

"Is it logical that anybody should be expected to be afraid of the work that they feel they were put on this Earth to do?" For all you writers, dreamers, and creators out there, I found this TED talk deeply inspiring and relatable. 

Thoughts on turning 20

Because you only turn 20 once.

It’s a beautiful day. Although it’s still night (2:30AM to be exact). But I’ve finally turned 20, and although it’s any other day, I’ve assigned it meaning. This is the same thing I did for my 18th birthday, but this time it’s different. I feel like the last few months here at college have been such a learning experience that I can take my 20th birthday to consolidate it all, and reflect and think of where I want to go. But that’s also hard, because there’s just so much…so, so much. 

Torn between my new college and my old home

Between Trinidad and Stanford

A glimpse of the scenic coast off Eastern Trinidad.
Beware, though! Rip currents and rough seas
make these waters unswimmable

Returning home after my first quarter, I felt like my heartfelt wish had finally been granted, except it didn’t feel like the euphoria I expected. Up to a few weeks ago, if anyone had asked me if I was looking forward to returning home, I would enthusiastically respond, “Oh yes. I’ve been looking forward to going home since week five!”

Where’s home? Home is Trinidad and Tobago, my beautiful, Caribbean, twin-island republic – land of sea, sun and smiles.

Home…that magical place where family, friends, and fun times awaited me. I closed my eyes and dreamt of familiar faces and places, but when I opened them again, I was back in California, faced with schoolwork and socializing, and keeping up with life in the fast lane at Stanford.

Flipped

   A few weeks ago, I signed up for Netflix because I wanted to watch the Titanic movie online but I couldn’t find it. I figured Netflix was bound to have it, given all the hype. Turns out I didn’t find the Titanic, but I found Flipped instead. Flipped! One of my favourite young adult books by Wendelin Van Draanen had been turned into a movie! Who knew! The book followed the story of Juli Baker and Bryce Loski from both their viewpoints. I loved that book. I’d read it several times and the story never fails to make me sigh and smile. It’s just the sweetest story ever of how the tables can turn when it comes to life and love.

University sure as heck isn’t natural, but it’s necessary

When everything around you is new, who or what do you turn to?

Ready to take on the uni scene!

New room. New culture. New climate. New classes. New people. New routine. New teachers. New friends (no friends?). New traditions. New social events. New activities. There's one word that encompasses all this: university.

Weeks 1-5 were peachy. I felt well adjusted, ready to take on this new experience like a boss. And I felt I was handling it really well. And I felt proud of myself for that. Was I missing home? Naw. Was I missing my family and friends and way of life? Not really. This was new, and exciting, and everyone here is so supportive and welcoming and all the experiences have been great so far. Have I ever felt left out? Nope. Lonely? A bit. But that might have a lot to do with my introversion, not the lack of people.

A Letter from Your Emotions: Why They Can't Stand being Bottled Up

Hi Human,

I'm Emotions. Yea, Emotions. Those feelings you feel? Happiness, anger, jealousy, frustration, sadness, joy, disgust? That's me. I don't know exactly where in your body I reside, but I cause you to feel things. So I guess I'm everywhere. 

Christmas, Daily Planners & the Art of Growing Up

2006. Trinidad. It's December 25th, 7:30am. A quiet house sits nestled between the mountains. The sun rises over Petit Valley to welcome the Christmas morning. Three young children wake up with eager eyes and twitching hands. There are gifts to be unwrapped and surprises to be had. Their greatest hope, however, is that Santa was good to them this year, and upon looking beneath the sparkling tree, it's obvious that he has been. Before long, strips and bits of wrapping paper lay abandoned on the floor, and the excitement begins. And although they know the real reason for the season, you can't blame them for their misplaced enthusiasm - for that was just a taste of more gifts and surprises to come.