"Why you coming back to Trinidad?"

touched down in the 868!

"What you wanna come here for?"

"Why you want to move back to Trinidad?"

"Trinidad have nothing for you."

"Girl, find yourself an American man so you could get citizenship and stay there."

The people want to know why on earth I would come back to Trinidad and give up on living in the U.S., the land of opportunity
and all that jazz. Well, besides the fact that I have to move back home for contractual reasons (iykyk), more importantly, I want to move back. 

I've spent seven long, fun, transformative, life-changing but arduous years in the US of A and now it's time for a new phase of life. Leggo.

* * * 

Bippity boppity boo - I'm back on the blog! Back to the place where it all began. I started this blog in Trinidad during a time of transition (my gap year) and I'm returning to it in another time of transition (the big move back),

A lot has changed in eight years. Well, in some ways.

In 2014, when I started blogging, I was 18, passionate about reading, sick of my smartphone and absolutely mind-boggled by how much I'd learned about life and myself in that year. (The original title of this blog was "Life hacks I learnt the hard way")

Now, I'm 26, still passionate about reading, still sick of my smartphone and still mind-boggled by how much I've learned in my 20s.

In 2014, I started this blog as a way to keep writing "as a hobby".

Now, I am a writer. This is my chosen profession and life mission regardless of what job pays my bills.

In 2014, I fretted about not knowing what I wanted to study, or where. The future was like a grey fog that I couldn't see through.

Now, I still don't know what the next years of my life will hold, but the future feels open and airy and endless, instead of dark and nebulous. I am stepping into a field of possibility, and it's bright. It's light. It's unrushed, taking its time to figure itself out.

a light, bright scene at Las Cuevas beach

This stepping into the light isn't just a metaphor. 

The last two years of my life, of this dangalang pandemic, have been...a lot. Definitely some of the most transformative and big-growth years of my life (maybe every year is like that in your 20s though?). But also some of the darkest. 

I found myself in some deep pits of sadness, unsure how exactly I got there and how exactly to get out. Depression, in whatever form, for however long or however serious, is no joke. And that's a whole 'nother blog post.

* * *

Back to the open, sunny future.

I spent years wondering: what career do I choose? How can I help people without necessarily becoming a doctor? How can I write and do good in the world? What am I supposed to be doing with my life???

Now my perspective has shifted. Enough with the questions. Yeah, I'm still curious about the answers to these questions but I'm realizing that maybe the pursuit of the answer is the answer. Like maybe the wondering, and wandering, and trial and error, and experiences I collect along the way to answering these questions have way more value than whatever answer I think I'm seeking.

All I mean to say is, I'm no longer focused on the very narrow concept of "what should I be doing for the rest of my life" but I'm thinking about the values that matter to me. 

What kind of life do I want to live? I may not have a career answer but I know I want my life to have community and creativity, I want to be of service to others, and I want to be connected with God and at peace.

I know, too, what I don't want. I DON'T want to be a rat in the rat race, grinding all the time, too tired to actually ENJOY my life, or waiting for things to get better.

In some ways, that's what the last couple years in the U.S. have felt like - like I was waiting for my real life to begin, or waiting to find a work-life balance that mostly eluded me, or waiting to feel better about myself. I tried to be present but it still felt like I was biding my time before moving home.

Now that I'm here on the other side of this highly anticipated move, the waiting is over. 

* * *

You might be wondering: so what about money? You can't support yourself, or a family, on peace and vibes.

I've thought about this too and honestly, I'm not worried. Maybe naive? But I truly believe in a God who will provide all my needs and then more, who will give back to me more than I can imagine if I put my trust in him and try to fulfill his will and purpose for my life.

I'm letting go of a lot of worry. (As I have to - I literally can't afford to be as stressed as I've been the last couple years).

Of course, this letting go is easier said than done. And it's much easier said when I know I have financial safety nets. Perhaps I don't know what real trust is until I have no safety net. I also wonder: how can I fully trust God and not focus on money while still making smart, future focused, financially conscious decisions? I guess we'll see.

This is all part of the journey right now. Catch me in five years when things maybe feel way less cushioned and safe...I better still be trusting God then. 😅🙏

* * *

Bottom line, I don't want my worth to be pinned to my career. 

I don't want to measure my success by my job, my productivity, or how much I can do.

(Does it or did it ever make sense for us to pin our financial security, peace, purpose and worth on...a job? I'm not sure.)

Because I've been there, done that, and it wasn't pretty. I put so much of my worth into my work that I fell into bouts of anxiety and sometimes depression when I felt work wasn't going well. Yeah, there were other mental health triggers for sure, but the work thing was a BIG ONE.

So in this new era, I'm more focused on how I want the rhythm of my life to play out rather than the fine details.

Luckily, there are countless ways to find community, creativity, peace and service in this life.

* * *

So a lot of people I've encountered in Trinidad want to know: why move back? Especially when I've had the gorgeous opportunity to work in the U.S.?

And I get where they're coming from because life in Trinidad can be hard. People can't find jobs. Everything is getting more expensive - gas, flour, food. Doubles are $6 now. And trying to get things done in most government offices will result in a runaround.

I don't want to fool myself into thinking I'm somehow immune to the hard-knock life in Trinidad.

But I don't want to be jaded either. I'm too young to be jaded!

That's where the trust comes in.

Here are some of the reasons I wanted to move back to Trinidad: I missed home. I love my country. I love my family. I love steelpan. And I've been itching to re-immerse myself in my culture, my people, and my history, to look around and not be one of the few black faces around.

We have so much talent and beauty in T&T. We make jokes out of everything. We don't take ourselves too seriously. We know how to have a good time. We have an incredibly rich and creative culture. Yeah, we have our issues but honestly, what place doesn't?

For me, there's nothing - NOTHING - like the sense of ease and familiarity I feel when I'm at home, in a place I know I belong, no doubt.

Since leaving to study in 2015, there has been something pulling me back home - pushing against the tide of supposed sensibility and security of life in the U.S.

But I don't see the point of living life apart from where my heart has been leading me all this time: home.

near Stone Haven Bay, Tobago

Stay tuned to see what happens next...anyone else going through big transitions? Or grappling with the idea of home or career or what comes next? I'd love to hear your thoughts too :)