Coping and mourning in unprecedented times

Here’s to mourning the things we lost, realizing it’s okay to slump, and knowing we don’t have to go it alone. Plus, yay therapy!

work in the age of corona

Not gonna lie and pretend that I’m thriving during this time because I’m not. It’s difficult. I saw a social media post that read “Damn…I picked a bad year to get my life together” and I felt that. Because I started therapy at the end of last year and was finally learning to address my anxieties. I was finally learning how to push through discomfort and stay present and in tune to my body even when my mind sends me into a tailspin. I was learning how to be kind to myself and parent myself and BAM. Covid-19 comes and sends me spinning. So yeah, I'm upset.

The very structure and stability I’d begun to adjust to are gone, replaced with a completely new, unprecedented world for which there are no rules, no guidelines. And I appreciate the people who try to keep it positive and tell me hey let’s use this time to be mindful, let’s use this time to take care of ourselves and do the things we never have time to do (because I agree), but I know that I need space to grieve too. I think it’s okay to acknowledge the things that we lost, instead of trying to ignore them and pretend that we can still thrive without batting an eye.

This is not to say there is nothing to be grateful for (there is lots) and there’s no hope to be found (there is some) and there are not people who have it way worse during (there definitely are). This may be an opportunity to grow, but it's still a period of sadness. There's no reason for me to pretend it’s all good.

Perhaps I'm also mourning the optimist I used to be. In secondary school, I’d write positive quotes on the board everyday. I was known for being the positive chick. But since starting university almost 5 years ago, I’ve felt that identity slipping away, which worries me. Who am I if I’m not the optimist I always thought I was? Who am I if I can’t find a way to smile and think positive during a difficult time? Who am I if I can’t pull myself out of this slump? (and trust me, in these 5 years, there have been many slumps, big and small).

I guess that’s where therapy comes in. I realize I don’t have to figure it out on my own. And there’s a huge part of me right now that’s thinking: Thank God I started therapy before this all went down. Because this is the ultimate test of all the coping mechanisms and anxiety tools I’d been working on. Go figure.

I cannot emphasize enough how much therapy has improved my life. It’s not that therapy itself is the solution to my anxiety, my unhealthy coping mechanisms, my negative self-talk etc (wow I really am my own worst enemy). It’s that therapy has empowered me to find solutions within myself. It’s pushed me towards growth and shown me that I have the tools within me to make better decisions to improve my quality of life.

meals 'pon meals

Therapy has given me language, a framework, a lens through which I can look at my spirals and slumps for what they are: spirals and slumps, not indicative of my abilities or worth. Therapy has showed me that loving myself means taking care of my mind, body and spirit. It is as simple as eating a meal when I'm hungry instead of starving myself in order to finish an assignment. I used to use food as a reward sometimes: I won't eat until I finish this work! But that just meant I was depriving myself of the nutrients and sustenance I need to focus in the first place.

Before, I’d ignore what my body was telling me to get work done. Somehow, I’m always functioning as if I owe the world my blood, sweat and tears, working hard at the expense of my own health and sanity. I'd been doing that for all of uni. It was the definition of unsustainable and things slowly began unraveling last year (queue my hair falling out which drove me to seek help in the first place. My body was clearly breaking down and crying for help, and that’s a whole other story). If insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, clearly I was insane.

Therapy helped me break the cycle that kept breaking me down, and now I’m seeing myself through a new light. I'm building a foundation for a better life. Deep down, yes I am still hopeful. I am still optimistic. I believe there is good in the world. I believe that I can achieve my dreams. But as I grow older I’m seeing the world, and myself, for what we are: multifaceted, complex, ever-changing, not all good but not all bad either.

And recognizing things for what they are is a part of healthy coping too - recognizing my anxious thoughts as just thoughts, not truths; recognizing an assignment as just an assignment, not a measurement of my worth; recognizing that my best efforts are truly my best efforts, nothing more, nothing less, and nothing to beat myself up over; recognizing this covid drama as truly unprecedented and a huge adjustment no matter who you are, what you do, or where you live.

It’s freeing to recognize life for what it is because we live in real-time, in a real world, that throws things at us that cannot always be solved by an optimistic spirit. The world requires grit, planning, healthy coping mechanisms, stress management, and so many things that I thought I had to figure out on my own. I was riding the struggle bus all the way down. 

Now, when I feel like dirt - as I often do these days - I know I do not have to sit alone and try to use the power of positive thinking to pull myself out of it. I can ask for help. And I’ve been texting friends and family. One suggested a walk. One sent me a checklist of things to ask myself when I feel to give up. One sends memes. One told me to take it one small task at a time. My parents call to check in and my roommate and I make plans to cook together. They are there to help. 

So yes, I may have slumped for hours and days during the last couple weeks. But I’m recognizing that that’s a perfectly okay response to what is going on. Maybe other people are using this time to exercise and learn new skills, write novels and record music. That's them.

source/artist: Fiona Rose
full cartoon: @feffley on facebook and instagram

I need this time to rest and digest. That's me and that’s okay. Last week I chilled all week. I saw a post on social media about someone's quarantine routine: "1pm - 3am: vibe”. I felt that. Waking when I feel to. Listening to music all day. Reading. Journaling. Youtube. Cooking with my roommate. Just chilling. Yes I’ve been spending too much time on my phone, but hey, today I turned my phone completely off. Free from the shackles of social media (I'd been trapped in the Twitter-Facebook-Whatsapp-Youtube-Snapchat web), I did whatever I felt to do. Woke up late, sent some emails, cooked pancakes for dinner and now, this blog post.

So here’s to the things we’ve lost. That’s what brought me here in the first place. Here’s to the stability and structure we’ve all lost and are trying to re-gain in these unprecedented times (I've always loved that word: unprecedented). Here’s to the social gatherings we’re all missing out on right now. Here’s to the things we were looking forward to - taking classes and hanging out in the beautiful spring weather, wearing shorts and dresses, enjoying our last quarter at university. Here's to the loss of our graduation, which will probably not be the huge celebration we were looking forward to. That is a huge loss, one I don't think I've fully accepted. Of course we’re mourning! Here’s to our hopes for future jobs and internships that are now up in the air, if not gone. Here’s to the uncertainty that’s plaguing everyone’s life right now.

grateful for my undergrad graduation last year!

Here’s to the dark thoughts and anger and sadness and anxieties that we try to suppress but cannot. This stuff is hard. I started off my two-week spring-break-in-quarantine with a list of things I wanted to do: braid my hair, blog, read, write, journal, cook, clean, taxes, emails and so much more, because when next will I have all this free time, right? But that’s too much pressure. Instead, I’m focusing on the basics. Getting out of bed, and doing one thing each day that I need to do, and seeing what I have capacity for after that.

These days, I’m not even trying to thrive. I’m just trying to survive. Covid or not, I’m starting to think that maybe they’re the same thing.