"Why you coming back to Trinidad?"

touched down in the 868!

"What you wanna come here for?"

"Why you want to move back to Trinidad?"

"Trinidad have nothing for you."

"Girl, find yourself an American man so you could get citizenship and stay there."

The people want to know why on earth I would come back to Trinidad and give up on living in the U.S., the land of opportunity
and all that jazz. Well, besides the fact that I have to move back home for contractual reasons (iykyk), more importantly, I want to move back. 

I've spent seven long, fun, transformative, life-changing but arduous years in the US of A and now it's time for a new phase of life. Leggo.

When self-care feels selfish

Crying because Lilly Singh aka Superwoman, one of my favorite Youtube personalities, recently announced that she’s taking a break for her mental health. I’ve laughed along to her videos and seen her grow for the last 4 years, and now, hearing her talk about the importance of taking care of yourself has struck some chord in me that lay dormant for a while. 

She said, “Taking time for yourself and addressing mental health is positive. There’s nothing to feel guilty about. There’s nothing to feel bad about. It is what it is.” 😭

I’m thinking, if Superwoman can take a break and not feel bad about it then maybe so can I.

The Evolution of New Year’s Resolutions

Documenting almost a decade of new years resolutions: successes and failures and everything in between

Yes, I am 100% that #NewYearNewMe chick, jumping at every opportunity to make a fresh start, improve myself and set goals that I may or may not achieve. Of course, New Year’s is no exception - in fact it’s the fresh start I get the most excited about, after my birthday, a new school year, or even a new school quarter. But my approach to New Year’s Resolutions has changed over the years and I thought it would be interesting to journey back in time to see how I got here: a girl declaring with absolute conviction to anyone who would listen that 2018 is gonna be my year.

Improv Wisdom

Thoughts on how improv is changing my life.

October 2017. There was a thing that i wanted to write about but didn’t get the chance.

Freakin’ improv wisdom! (which is also the name of the book by Patricia Ryan Madison) I would highly recommend taking an improv class if you can. It’s not just for actors, or theatre-people or whatever, but it’s a class that any and everyone can benefit from. It’s really helped me open my eyes and see and realize how much of the world I’m missing because I’m so wrapped up in my own head.

What does it mean to challenge yourself?

This quarter got me thinking a lot about this. After all, that’s the point of university, right? Learning. Growth. Pushing past your limits. Challenging yourself. But how do we know that we’re challenging ourselves, and not just pushing past our breaking point? Of course, there’s no simple “answer”, but I’ve tried to wrap my head around this concept of what it means to truly challenge yourself.

Life: A Series of Approximations

Side-note: this blog post has been in my head for the last 2 months so it’s really a wonder it got out at all. Leggo.

The more I live the more I realize that a great majority of life, especially when it comes to immeasurable or non-concrete things, is approximated. Like the following.

My Black Wedding Dress (A Celebration of Blackness)

Convention, Perception, and the Symbolism of the Color Black

screenshotted from Spotify

I'm listening to Chronixx's album Chronology which my Jamaican friend recommended to me. Chronixx is a Jamaican reggae artist for those who don't know, and I didn't know much about his music before. But this new reggae album is uplifting with its social commentary and personal narrative. Take a listen. You're probably wondering what this has to do with a wedding dress - don't worry, I'm getting to that.

The first song that popped up when I pulled up Chronology on Spotify was Black is Beautiful. Coincidence? I think not. He sings, "they never told us that black is beautiful". I'm taking "they" to be Western mainstream culture, but it could just as easily apply to someone or something else.

Maleficent rocking her black ensemble. Great
movie though (Source: http://movies.disney.com/maleficent)

So aside from the very obvious denouncement of dark skin in the dark days of slavery, it's no secret that both then and now, in Western pop culture (literature, art, the works), the color black has been associated with being evil/darkness and other countless negative things. You don't even need to google it. Just think of popular sayings like blackmail, blacklist, black sheep, and the fact that Maleficent and half of those evil witches in Disney movies wear black capes. Then there's this unforgettable image of my soul becoming "black" when I sin, which has stayed with me from childhood. Religious or not, it's a poignant image. Meanwhile, white is associated with purity and goodness and cleanliness. A lot of other religious references come to mind here, like baptism, and weddings, confirmation, doves...but why?

A Note on Nobility

Am I trying to be a hero? Is that a bad thing?

I'm writing this because the other day I met someone at a house gathering and we did the usual chit-chat/small talk, “where are you from?”, and “what are you studying” and eventually, “what do you want to do after? Do you plan on returning home?”

To the End of Sophomore Year

(Aka The Great Settling of Sophomore Year)

I wish I’d written myself a letter at the beginning of this year so I could compare how I felt then to how I feel now. I didn’t - but I did journal a lot at that time. And I remember journalling during Summer ’16 about how excited I was about sophomore year and obsessively listing all the reasons that sophomore year was going to be the bomb.com.

Long story short, it wasn’t. And if I could write a letter to my past self, there are a couple things I’d like to say. Leggo.

The Beauty of Community

There were one too many times this quarter when I felt like no one at Stanford really understood me, or I couldn’t really be myself around anyone, or I just couldn't fully connect with people because of cultural or personal or other barriers. Or some iteration of that sentiment has been running through my head, and I now call BS on myself.

21 Reflections

Cheers to 21 Years of Life!

Yes, today is the big day, it's my 21st birthday! I am celebrating my 21 years in a couple ways: 1) Treating myself to some pampering & self-care 2) Reflecting 3) A possible night out with friends 4) Having a fresh start!

Stuck in a Perfect Rut

Trying to be perfect doesn't work
It’s application season - everyone around me is applying to various summer positions etc and while I am, too, I more often find myself not applying to things than actually submitting applications...

True? I think not. The failure is in not even trying. As I've come to realize.

I am Shannon

On the afternoon of Monday December 5th, 20-year-old Shannon Banfield left her work office in Port-of-Spain, the bustling capital of Trinidad & Tobago. She called her mother to say that she was stopping by a couple stores downtown before taking transportation to return home.

She never reached home.

Growing Pains

What is it about growing up makes me feel like I'm losing my sense of self?

I feel this strange combination of sadness and happiness both at once, and I don’t quite know how to explain it. It is bittersweet. It is the happiness of gratitude alongside the sadness of a nagging nostalgia. It is a longing for my childhood and for more carefree times, or at least what I remember as being carefree times.
  Youth really is wasted on the young.

Mini-me in an era of carefree
times & unappreciated freedom

The Great Unsettling of Sophomore Year

    My second year at Stanford is in full swing, and I’m feeling more unsettled than ever. In fact, I’m outright struggling to feel at peace here.

It comes as a shock to me more than anything, because I thought that surely, after weathering the ups and downs of freshman year, I’d be well-adjusted and ready to tackle sophomore year like a boss, without a hitch. I’d hit the ground running and stay running for the entire year because I had so much energy and excitement building up in me after three months of rejuvenation and spirit-restoration back in sweet T&T.

Wrong.

So, so wrong.

Nothing is as picture-perfect as it seems

The Children of Bethlehem

MOP Reflections: Journal Excerpt 2

Caressing a young-un

  Visiting Bethlehem, the children’s centre, was - as always - a touching experience. We started by simply dressing and feeding the children, but this still got to me. Firstly, I could barely put on a diaper, and the entire situation was compounded by the fact that their limbs are usually bent out of shape, so dressing them is not straightforward. Also compounded by the fact that I am not a naturally gentle person, so I was trying to be extra gentle with them, but it actually requires a bit of man-handling because they can’t bend their limbs on their own so we’ve gotta do it for them. But once that was done, it was basically time for feeding them, which is a whole new ball game.

Say Hello to the Good Shepherd Crew

MOP Reflections: Journal Excerpt 1

With Donahue at Good Shepherd

Today we visited Good Shepherd, the men’s home, residence to 3 memorable characters: 1) Donahue* - tiny crippled guy (man) in a wheelchair (he has tiny feet so can’t walk) but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with his mind. Nada. 2) Walden* - another fully grown man in a wheelchair who has a speech impediment and crossed eyes and maaaaaaybe is a little slow, but otherwise, he’s normal-functioning. 3) Andrew* - who is a big, chubby, mentally challenged guy who talks in short phrases, simple words or relies on gestures. Andrew’s prime idiosyncrasy: affection. He literally greets and hugs you like you’re family, and continues to hug you throughout the day. Oh, I’ll add one more memorable guy to the list: 4) Dave* - more mentally challenged than Andrew in that he can’t really form words (I barely understood when he said his name. Imagine talking with your mouth open. That’s how he sounds), he can’t feed himself, and is somewhat unresponsive to external stimuli, although he does walk & move around on his own. 
  So what struck me about these 4?

Working with the Missionaries of the Poor (MOP)

MOP Reflections: Introduction

It's high time I documented this experience, but I have a hard time talking about service sometimes. I so hold myself to a high standard of being genuine that I worry about my words not doing this experience justice. Yet, I've made several volunteer trips to MOP, Jamaica, with my family, and each has undeniably changed our perspectives and left a deep impact on our lives. It is definitely something worth sharing, so here we go! (Skip to the end to see the video compilation)

Volunteer Crew 2016

Thoughts on turning 20

Because you only turn 20 once.

It’s a beautiful day. Although it’s still night (2:30AM to be exact). But I’ve finally turned 20, and although it’s any other day, I’ve assigned it meaning. This is the same thing I did for my 18th birthday, but this time it’s different. I feel like the last few months here at college have been such a learning experience that I can take my 20th birthday to consolidate it all, and reflect and think of where I want to go. But that’s also hard, because there’s just so much…so, so much. 

Flipped

   A few weeks ago, I signed up for Netflix because I wanted to watch the Titanic movie online but I couldn’t find it. I figured Netflix was bound to have it, given all the hype. Turns out I didn’t find the Titanic, but I found Flipped instead. Flipped! One of my favourite young adult books by Wendelin Van Draanen had been turned into a movie! Who knew! The book followed the story of Juli Baker and Bryce Loski from both their viewpoints. I loved that book. I’d read it several times and the story never fails to make me sigh and smile. It’s just the sweetest story ever of how the tables can turn when it comes to life and love.