It’s a beautiful day. Although it’s still night (2:30AM to be exact). But I’ve finally turned 20, and although it’s any other day, I’ve assigned it meaning. This is the same thing I did for my 18th birthday, but this time it’s different. I feel like the last few months here at college have been such a learning experience that I can take my 20th birthday to consolidate it all, and reflect and think of where I want to go. But that’s also hard, because there’s just so much…so, so much.
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| Beautiful birthday weather at Stanford |
How is it that I’m here - not excelling like I can but still doing pretty damn well at this college thing - while other people suffer? While they struggle and can’t get a grasp on things? How? And I feel like there’s no way for me to effectively help them? Dear Lord Jesus please help me be as supportive as I possibly can. That’s hard too. I don’t even know what I’m writing. And I’m so tempted to do the usual and re-read this and edit and try to make it sound good, because right now it doesn’t sound good. It’s just me rambling and spewing words without any real style. But that’s okay. This is for me.
It’s just everything.
It’s just everything that I’ve learned. Everything that has impacted me so far.
The fact that nothing is as it seems. That the world is so big, and I’m but one person. That no two people have the same experience here on this earth. That life is unfair and I often feel like I got the better end of the stick. That at the end of the day we’re all human, and we all have faults.
It’s like I’m finally learning to forgive myself, which is good, but also such a strange sensation. I’m so not used to being easy on myself, that it feels like slacking, but in reality I'm doing pretty well. And I feel better about things. And truthfully I haven’t had one of those ridiculous internal breakdowns this quarter, although admittedly I’ve come pretty close. The fact is that there’s something beautiful in forgiving yourself, and allowing yourself another chance. Because if you can’t even give yourself a second chance, how will others? Or how will you be forgiving to others? At the same time it’s probably easier to offer others forgiveness than to give it to yourself. But I can guarantee that when you make the small steps to love and encourage yourself like you would a friend, you’ll feel so much better about life.
It’s just a tough life for a lot of people, and lately I’ve been thinking a lot about what I’m actually doing to make the world a better place right now. Definitely nothing significant on a community or national level for sure. As opposed to so many other people around me. But I think that being an inspiration to the few close to me is also an act of change in itself. I suppose right now I’m trying to figure out which calling allows me to make the greatest impact and writing is still pretty high up there.. And boy are there so many words I want to write, so many stories I’d love to tell.
I’d love to talk about my childhood, and how it’s shaped me into who I am today. I’d love to talk about Katrina some more and about how I was then and now. I’d love to talk about my early secondary school years, then later when I found myself, and how that shaped who I would become. I want to talk about my first relationship. I want to talk about my parents. I want to talk about my brothers. I want to talk about my experience with death. I want to talk about what it’s like being on overthinker. I want to talk about how God has become so integral to my life.
But for right now, I’m just so tired. Tomorrow should be a good day. Dear Lord, help me live out my 20s how you want me to live it. Thanks. Thanks always. Much love always.
But for right now, I’m just so tired. Tomorrow should be a good day. Dear Lord, help me live out my 20s how you want me to live it. Thanks. Thanks always. Much love always.
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| Ready to live out my 20s |