Should I become a doctor?

This is the million-dollar question I've been trying to answer.

This requires so much venting. Because my thoughts, aspirations and plans are back into overdrive. Not quite back to square one, but now I am contemplating.

Contemplating whether or not I actually want to (or should!) be a doctor.

"I am here at Stanford...this is where I'm meant to be."

First of all, it’s kind of (maybe) twice over too late for that because: 1) I am studying in the US. If I knew that I wanted to be a doctor, shouldn’t I have studied in the Caribbean (UWI Med hello?) or the UK, or RCSI? But no, I am here at Stanford and nothing (few things) have ever felt so right and I 150% believe in my heart that this is where I’m meant to be and besides, I would not have met my awesome roommate and other amazing people who are in my life right now. 2) I already made the split decision to drop Chem 33 last quarter in favor of trying something new - CS106A (Computer Science Intro to Programming)! Which was a good decision, one I 100% do not regret because it truly felt like that was God’s plan for me at the time. Chem? Why was I doing it if I didn’t have to? It put me out of the running for a Bio degree (HumBio here I come!) and most surely set me back in the pre-med track, but that's okay because I don't want to be a doctor.

It’s not that I don’t want to help people and be of service in the world. I do. But I also want to do something I love. And I believe that I can marry the two and, no, that’s not too much to ask. Since when is it bad to want to enjoy what ends up being your life’s career?

But that’s just the problem isn’t it? What do I love? To write. That has been (is) my childhood dream so why aren’t I going after it? This is something I ask myself often, if not every day. Instead of having these repeated epiphanies that tell me the same thing, why don’t I start acting on it instead of living in denial, regret & fear?

Because even as I know writing is my heart’s desire, it isn’t enough. Or at least that's what I let myself believe for so long. The world tells you that your dream isn’t good enough, that doctor, lawyer or engineer is the way to succeed. And I've believed this for so long, but there is always that nagging feeling at the back of my mind reminding me that writing is my first love.

The only cool thing about chem lab? My lab group.

Since Form 3 I've been doing science subjects, but was there any point in my life when I considered medicine/being a doctor? No, except for when I caught the brain and cognitive science bug and thought Child and Adolescent Psychiatry was the career for me…which I still haven’t completely ruled out, but there’s the fact that I’m not about the med life right

now, because ew science/chem/labs (did I mention that I hate lab work? Can’t stand it). But now I’m thinking, if Chem wasn’t required, would I be doing pre-med? But then again, if one iffy subject is enough to keep me away from the field, then I obviously don’t want it badly enough right, because if I truly wanted to be a doctor as badly as I want to write, then Chem most certainly would not be in the way.

Yet.

Yet Fr. Dave* tells me he wants me to become a doctor and I should become a doctor and then people ask if I’m doing med and when they hear the answer, wanna know “why not?” as if not wanting to isn’t reason enough.

“Do something to serve the poor,” said Fr. Dave, “We need good, kind doctors with a heart.”

Aw. Touching. Truly.

But what if being a doctor isn't what I want to do?

When I mention this, he brushed it aside as if it wasn’t about what I wanted. Maybe it isn’t? This is where my seed of doubt has formed. Then, recently, someone else was asking me these same career questions and I made the mistake of letting slip that Chemistry did not bring me any ‘joy’ or ‘happiness’ in Fall Quarter so I asked myself why I was continuing, and her response: “In my day, we didn’t do classes because it was fun and happy. Now it’s all about ‘finding yourself’”.

TFW people try to force med on me (actually it's
just me taking a selfie at my first f/ball game but
lets pretend ok)

Which, yes, I’ll admit, offended me.

Because I’m allllllllll about finding myself, and I’m leading the millennial bandwagon of doing what you love.

But both her (inane) comment and Fr. Dave’s dismissals of my protests made me think: what if it’s not about me? What if I just need to do something that’ll make me have the most impact, even if I don’t like it..? Even if I hate it (labs, hello)? But how do I know what that career is that’ll help me do my part in the world/leave my mark?

Well there’s the problem right, if I knew what that was, I wouldn’t be sitting here writing pages and pages about it. What if I should feel obligated to be a doctor because I have the brains to get through med school? And because the world needs good doctors? And it doesn’t actually matter what I want because this is what the poor in society need and others’ needs go above my wants?

There are all these what if’s, but truly, I have asked and continue to ask God to help me make these decisions and although he hasn’t revealed much I do not feel that being a medical doctor is his plan for me.

Besides, who says being a doctor is the only way to help the needy in society? It is obviously not! People act like that is the only noble profession out there when actually its just one of the few.

Who says that the sick are the only people in society suffering? There are countless teens struggling with mental health problems and/or self-esteem and adolescence issues and if I could write a motivational book or give motivational talks to inspire them and help them through their difficulty to see a new day, who says that’s any less noble than diagnosing sickness and prescribing medication? 

I suppose it doesn’t help that I’m reading a book now that happens to be about two physicians in the 19th century - is it some kind of sign? Who knows.

Dear Lord please help.

I trust that He's got me covered

It’s just that there are so many facets of society that need help/assistance/inspiration that I’m sure God has a slot for me somewhere, which will align with my actual strengths.

Anyway, I just gave my mom the dilemma in a nutshell and she had some pretty solid advice: Dedicate some serious prayer time to the cause, and clarification will come.

This I believe.

Because like this book (With Open Hands, by Henri J.M. Nouwen) said, true prayer is rooted in hope - hope that things will work out according to God’s plan, and not necessarily exactly how you want it. And I’ll insert that fantastic quote here:

“…hope [is] an attitude where everything stays open before me…Daring to stay open to whatever today will offer me, or tomorrow, two months from now or a year from now, that is hope. To go fearlessly into things without knowing how they’ll turn out, to keep on going, even when something doesn’t work the first time, to have trust in whatever you’re doing.”

I hope and I trust, and believe this will lead me exactly where I’m meant to be.

*I changed the name, but Fr. Dave is a family friend who is hung up on the idea of me being a doctor, and reminds me of this every time I talk to him. Needless to say, I value his opinion so when he mentions this it always gives me pause.