Stuck in a Perfect Rut

Trying to be perfect doesn't work
It’s application season - everyone around me is applying to various summer positions etc and while I am, too, I more often find myself not applying to things than actually submitting applications...

True? I think not. The failure is in not even trying. As I've come to realize.

Hey there, so it’s been a while since I blogged and I’m trying to figure out why. I guess it’s because a lot of my recent posts have been fueled by an intense surge of emotions, ones that make me feel like I need to write and get it out because I can’t move forward if I don’t. But I haven’t really felt that recently. My head's been pretty clear. Which might say something good about my emotional state, but of course there’s always stuff going on below the surface.

Maybe that’s just it: you need a clear head in order to face the deeper things. You need to give yourself room to breathe and see yourself clearly. 

So though I’m more relaxed on the surface - been managing my schedule to include hella free time and relaxation and time to exercise and do my face masks and hang out with friends (aka my way of giving myself breathing room) - on the inside my mind has been a whirlwind. Or a fog or a swamp or a storm. Here’s what’s up…

Like I said, it’s application season - everyone around me is applying to various summer/research positions, internships, jobs and all kinda things, and while I am, too, I more often find myself not applying to things than actually submitting applications.

'The Burden' - by the Awkward Yeti

Which is sad, because right now I can think of at least 3 specific opportunities that I have missed and regret missing, simply because I didn’t submit the application. I’d sit there, doubting myself and my qualifications for the specific opportunity, and wondering what would make me stand out, and then bam, the deadline passes and it’s an opportunity lost.

The thing is, I am so acutely aware of this shortcoming - this need to be perfect and fit every single criteria for a position. And I realize it comes down to the fact that I only want to apply to things I think I’ll get - things that I feel fully qualified for - because I want to put my best foot forward and not make a mistake. If I don’t feel like I fit the mold perfectly for a position, I self-doubt, I feel insecure, which makes me unable to move forward because it doesn’t feel worth the effort of applying to something that I don’t have a high chance of getting into.

But that’s such a wrong mindset.

Gotta dive right in!

I learnt something important today: not having all the qualifications for something means that you have something to learn from the experience! Why am I sitting here thinking that I need to bring my most polished self to every opportunity, when there’s no such thing as the perfect fit? I need to be willing to learn and grow from experiences. I need to get over this fear of failure. I need to dive right into this raging uncertainty and see where it takes me. That’s the only way to move forward.

Because if I’m being real with myself, I have been feeling stuck. 

So this week I finally decided to talk it out, and, you know, it helped. It’s so hard to open up about insecurities and it truly sucks because I want to have it all together and not show this struggling side of myself. It feels like a weakness. Funny thing is that everyone has insecurities which means that if it’s weakness, we all have it and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. But I shouldn’t even be thinking of this in the context of anyone else because it doesn’t even matter; we all have our own things going on and everyone’s different. The faster I realize that is the faster I can move forward and accept myself, and learn to navigate and mold my shortcomings into learning experiences. 

I guess it doesn’t make sense to try to just get rid of your weaknesses - actually, I should say ‘insecurities’ not ‘weaknesses’ because I really shouldn’t be using them interchangeably; an insecurity is not a weakness, because “weak” conveys that you’re lacking something, that it’s something you gotta work on, like having a vice or something. But I think insecurities are there and might never necessarily completely go away, so we might as well learn to weather them and channel the feelings of insecurity into something that challenges us. 

Hey, I like how that sounds: let your insecurities challenge you. Challenge yourself to challenge your insecurities. The point is not to rid yourself of every insecurity you’ve ever felt (probably unrealistic, right) but to use insecurities to help you grow. In my case, it means pushing forward and facing myself and submitting applications even if I’m not 100% sure about it.

Eh, this is hard. It’s emotionally taxing, actually - overthinking these things all the time and self-doubting and not giving myself the freedom to take on a challenge and make a mistake. And it’s even more taxing to open up about it and let people help you through it. But it’s freeing at the same time, so overall I feel good, I feel hopeful and I’m looking forward to the challenge ahead of me. 

Moving forward, I want to remember these 7 things:

1. Continue giving myself room to breathe so I can see myself clearly.
2. When in doubt, talk it out. Sometimes, we gotta let ourselves be helped.
3. If I’m not ‘perfectly qualified’ for something, it means I have something to learn from it. Learning is good.
4. Dive into the raging uncertainty.
5. Insecurities ≠ Weaknesses
6. Let my insecurities challenge me. 
7. Give myself freedom to make a mistake.