Anxiety Brain and Me

I’m finally putting into words what anxiety feels like for me.

Sometime in my 20s, I dug up my anxiety and have been trying to bury it ever since. Unsuccessfully so, I might add.

what you don't see is that hours before this photo
was taken, I was an anxious lil cookie.
(PC: John Cassidy)

It has become a project of sorts, something I will stop at nothing to fix. I started therapy. Still anxious. Started praying more. Still anxious. Started back running. And reading. And resting. Still anxious. Tried setting boundaries and saying no. Still anxious. Learned to listen to myself and ask for breaks. I meditated and partied, then realized partying wasn’t the answer, then spent more time laying in the sun listening to music and napping and enjoying nature and, guess what, still anxious. Moved back home (big win!) and I STILL GET ANXIOUS.

"Why you coming back to Trinidad?"

touched down in the 868!

"What you wanna come here for?"

"Why you want to move back to Trinidad?"

"Trinidad have nothing for you."

"Girl, find yourself an American man so you could get citizenship and stay there."

The people want to know why on earth I would come back to Trinidad and give up on living in the U.S., the land of opportunity
and all that jazz. Well, besides the fact that I have to move back home for contractual reasons (iykyk), more importantly, I want to move back. 

I've spent seven long, fun, transformative, life-changing but arduous years in the US of A and now it's time for a new phase of life. Leggo.

Finally I graduated and I’m not burnt out!

Until now, work-life balance felt like a myth. I struggled through four years of undergrad before learning how to respect myself, my time and my health. Now I can finally look back and see how far I've come.

Yesterday, we graduated! I’m not going to dwell on how underwhelming virtual graduation was, because it’s actually okay. I’d rather be underwhelmed than overwhelmed. 

Last year when I graduated with my bachelor’s we did the full shebang: my family came up to California to celebrate with me, we had all the ceremonies - black grad, grad mass, commencement ceremony in the stadium and the department ceremony under a huge tent on the main quad. I walked across the stage and got my diploma and introduced my family to my friends and we took hella pictures and I said goodbye to my friends and packed up my room and finished my final assignments and took down all our dorm decorations and played my last pan gig all in the span of one week. And that was all well and good but I’d be lying to you if I said it wasn’t utterly overwhelming. 

snapshots from graduation 2019

The uncharted territory of my 20s

Hint it’s uncomfortable and involves a lot of unlearning the ways of functioning that I’d built up throughout my life. Been broken down now I’m building back up! 

me, attempting to fly a drone

Where do I begin? Maybe with how introspectively uncomfortable I am these days. I’m no longer satisfied with my own status quo of functioning because I’m seeing a better way, but the better way is far off in the horizon. And I’m starting to make a dent towards the better way but it’s hard. It’s like wading full-body through a sticky mess and you keep going forward because you know you get to the other side eventually.

Coping and mourning in unprecedented times

Here’s to mourning the things we lost, realizing it’s okay to slump, and knowing we don’t have to go it alone. Plus, yay therapy!

work in the age of corona

Not gonna lie and pretend that I’m thriving during this time because I’m not. It’s difficult. I saw a social media post that read “Damn…I picked a bad year to get my life together” and I felt that. Because I started therapy at the end of last year and was finally learning to address my anxieties. I was finally learning how to push through discomfort and stay present and in tune to my body even when my mind sends me into a tailspin. I was learning how to be kind to myself and parent myself and BAM. Covid-19 comes and sends me spinning. So yeah, I'm upset.